“I would be treated with respect as long as you were around.”
Nothing like coming full-circle, and all without any social media or ads. Yup.
Considering that almost 1 in 4 American women*, as of 2014, had at least one abortion, who in your life might be suffering silently from a grief she not only can never outlive, but may not feel safe to admit, to you? (*Snopes 2020 fact-check as “Mostly True” of Planned Parenthood’s Guttmacher Institute's numbers.)
A grandmother-aged woman I’d just met, sobbed on my shoulder with the relief of letting out 50 years of sorrow over her illegal abortion. That was 20 years ago.
Total strangers see my sign at a public event and approach me out of the crowd and whisper, “Is that really your story? Us too!” Then they hugged me tight as though we’d known each other forever.
A pro-choice, Gen-X or Millennial? woman who was in the middle of the packed street for the March for Women’s Lives on April 25, 2004, upon seeing me standing on the sidewalk, silently counter-protesting and weeping about my sorrow as I held the sign “I Regret My Abortion,” ran and broke through a line of armed riot police to throw her arms around my neck-- with the barricade fence the only thing separating us-- to hold me, to comfort me, to cry silently with me.
A 20-ish young man, marching for abortion, stopped nearby. Through my tears, I gently said to him, “My daughter could have been your girlfriend, or your wife, someday.” The sadness in his eyes was all too real, for himself now, not just for me. He quietly replied, “I’m sorry.” He couldn’t have been sweeter or more sincere.
Some women marching for abortion saw fifty of us holding my same sign, and putting down their pro-choice signs, came over, saying, “I don’t know what I’m doing out here, can I have one of your signs?” How many more wanted to but couldn’t? At least one locked eyes with me and mouthed the words, “I’m sorry.”
It can tear a hole in you. Well, in some of us. A hole I denied for 20 years. But it wasn’t going to go away just because I denied it.
How many of us? More than you think are afraid to find healing for their sorrow.
Walk with me as we do the math.
How many American women have had an abortion? No one knows. It isn’t 63 million though. Guttmacher Institute (whose numbers have been known to be higher than the CDC’s), could likely show there were about 63 million U.S. abortions since 1973. I’ve found individual year news reports showing Guttmacher’s numbers range from 12% higher (1990), to 21% higher (1973) to 50% higher (2020) than that Statista link using mostly CDC numbers. Average those percentages (28%), add that on top of Statista’s/CDC total of ~49,422,000 abortions since 1973, and you get ~63+ million.
In a 2014 survey published around 2017-2018 in the Journal of Women’s Health, Rachel Jones, PhD and Jenna Jerman, MPH, et.al., found that “45% of [8,380] patients [accessing abortion services] reported having one or more prior abortions.”
If 45% is accurate across the entire 50+ years, about 35 million of us have had abortions. If it’s accurate across even the latest two-thirds of the 50+ years since 1973, the number of us only rises: to about 50 million women.
And in “findings from a 1980 survey undertaken with the cooperation of the National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL) [nka Reproductive Freedom For All] and the National Right To Life Committee (NRLC)”, Donald Granberg, writing in Family Planning Perspectives Journal, found that, among about 472 NARAL member responders and about 427 from NRLC: “Of those who had had an abortion, 94% had joined NARAL and only 6% had joined NRLC.”
I can’t access the full study, so we don’t know how many NARAL and NRLC members were women or had abortions. But some numbers can be deduced:
RFFA/NARAL has ~4 million members, as Wikipedia accessed on their website Sept. 26, 2022. NRLC’s own website says it has “hundreds of thousands of members and millions of supporters.” “Hundreds of thousands” is at minimum 200,000.
We can estimate both organizations having ~60% to 70% female memberships; I haven’t found any public data on this.
That’s ~130,000+ women members of NRLC, and ~2.6 million women members of RFFA/NARAL. 2,730,000 total, with about 95% in the pro-choice group.
A 95%/5% split is near what Granberg saw 44 years ago among post-abortive women.
If Granberg’s split--that 5-6% of post-abortive women who become active/public in an organization on either side of the issue, regret their choice--is true for the general population, and if 35 to 50 million of us have had abortions legally…
Then ~1.8 million to 3 million of us feel the negative aftermaths of our abortions.
But, and this is a big BUT: where are the post-abortive, non-activist women?
If ~2.73 million women are members of either NARAL or NRLC, and if “almost 1 in 4 American women had at least one abortion,” that’s maybe only ~655,000 post-abortive women between the two groups, including ~31,200 in NRLC.
35 million minus 655,000 leaves ~34.3 million pretty silent, post-abortive women; 50 million minus that number is ~49.3 million.
Even if every woman in either NARAL or NRLC had at least one abortion, 35 or 50 million minus 2.73 million? Still huge numbers.
Where are the other ~32.3 to 44.3 million post-abortive women? How many regret their abortions but can’t admit it for fear of being cancelled, or worse?
If 5% of women who’ve had an abortion regret it, and you know 20 post-abortive women, like I do, do you know which one of them may have hidden her pain and grief over it, for years, or dealt with it with substance abuse, emotional difficulties, or worse?
Are they your wife? Or your mom? Your sister? Your best friend? Your grandmother?
Why subscribe?
This question, I think, maybe, I just answered.
This Substack resurrects our old Blogspot, née February 2003—reaching a sustained 500-600 daily visitors—as an almost-daily news blog about what could loosely be called "the post-abortion (PA) movement." This includes the ministries, people, and events that focus on the negative emotional and spiritual aftermath of abortion.
In the decade prior, there was an explosion of activity in this area: new ministries, existing ones growing apace, women and men speaking in the public square about their experiences with post-abortion regret and post-abortion emotional difficulties.
The foundress was Emily. A pro-life Catholic who had an abortion in the late 70s, she was pro-choice for a long time, but that abortion ate away at her. Eventually, she found wise guidance, support and counsel to help start her on the path to recovery. This involved a profound reconciliation of her relationship with God. She went on to help counsel others in a lay capacity, serving on Rachel's Vineyard retreat teams and leading post-abortion Bible studies at a local crisis pregnancy center.
Emily invited Annie Banno to contribute in February 2004. That’s me. I’m also a pro-life Catholic who in the late 70s aborted what would’ve been my only daughter. I thought I was pro-life, but when faced with what I feared to be the loss of everything (parents, thus home, college tuition, then boyfriend), I had the abortion without thinking twice, living in denial about its effects for 20 years. I too found a path to begin recovering from my pain, then started my own email newsletter, to help others.
The invites and quotes poured in after my Rachel’s Vineyard retreat: Write for After Abortion, CatholicExchange, Celebrate Life Magazine. Quoted by The Associated Press and together with our readers' input, one post was responsible for the retraction of an abortion "urban legend" by syndicated Boston Globe columnist Ellen Goodman which was also trotted out by then California Senator Barbara Boxer. Links and mentions, in posts, a book, articles, by National Review’s Kathryn Jean Lopez and Ramesh Ponnuru, The New York Daily News and The Straight Dope. Be state leader for Silent No More Awareness. Speak at Yale University, the state Right To Life Convention, as well as TV and radio interviews. Mentioned or quoted in National Catholic Register, First Things, BeliefNet, Catholic News Service.
Emily left the blog, in 2006, in my hands, with full permission to quote with attribution her copyrighted content from the old blog. With half a million unique visitors, most in the first 4 years, we never charged a penny nor posted an ad to support the help we were offering, but when illness derailed me from even being able to work my day job, I had to let After Abortion go mostly dormant.
Why resurrect now? It’s been 21 years since After Abortion was born. There is a whole new generation, one who was also just being born then, who doesn’t seem to know that there is help and healing from the hole that abortion can leave in you. That it has that effect on more women and men than you may realize. That it was scientifically documented to have that effect, until the scientific community felt compelled to redefine its own definitions, standards, scientific manuals, oaths and medical school textbooks. (I own some original book editions to prove it.)
And this whole new generation doesn’t know that we multiple-millions who are post-abortive and regret it, are not misogynists, not fascists, not judgmental, not here to hate or condemn. And I’m just here to help those of you who do feel that hole, to not feel so alone, and to find resources for healing and forgiveness.
Like that 80-year-old woman who wept on my shoulder her 50 years of silent grief, you can start unloading yours too, here.
What community?
The community we created 21 years ago comprised women, men, religious, irreligious (Hey, The Raving Atheist and achr…, hope you are both well!), pro-choice and pro-life people of all walks and stripes. It was a safe place to be vulnerable and to feel welcomed, even if we disagreed, even about abortion.
A community, without sacrificing the compassion for the passion...
As for the harder things of this blog it’s great to have talks that are nonpolitical biased about how much abortion hurts. I came here from a prochoice blog that someone from here had gone to.
achr… | 03.17.06 - 9:33 am | #
I always wished that there were more "aftercare" groups after going through Rachel's Vineyard. Where women (and men) could meet in groups, with a topic, like Achr… suggested and/or just share their joys and struggles.
Anon | 03.17.06 - 12:54 pm | #
Your way of saying things and relating to people made me SO much more compassionate to post-abortive women. Prior to "meeting" you all I was not physically uncompassionate to them, but in my mind I was, so when I acted nice to them it was like I was forcing myself to do so because I knew it was right, but I didn't actually feel compassion in my heart, now I do (*usually, I am human so I still have lapses) I also love all the friends I have made, even though I never met you in person! I really care about you all, I was just telling my pastor the other night-how amazing it was that people with such different views come here and we really do care about each other.
Sarah F | 03.17.06 - 4:07 pm | #
I’ve learned so much from this site. I never knew about APA changing their big book removing that abortion sometimes causes PTSD. I find so much support here, I learn so much about how I'm not crazy that abortion does hurt and the solidarity of trying to make a difference. The support I’ve found here helps me in my healing journey --but I understand what helps me in my journey might be hurtful to others so I guess I will just have to adjust. Thank you Annie and Emily.
Susan G | 03.17.06 - 7:27 pm | #
Sarah, I found your comments to be very compassionate if sometimes piercing (and being from the prochoice side should I find it any different?? right?). maybe this is just me but sometimes I need my pain to be validated by people who haven't had to live it. So the watchers are just as important as those who participate widely. Sometimes you (big you here) ask questions that none of us PA folks would’ve thought to ask. That should not be discounted or thought unimportant.
achr… | 03.18.06 - 2:33 am | #
On another combox where a pro-choice fella was criticizing me for something he wrongly assumed about me (look for that post in our early days here), The Raving Atheist, who at the time was rabidly, eloquently anti-God but had become a frequent visitor to our site (look for THAT post also early on), addressed him with this:
“Jay - As the blackest, darkest, nastiest atheist you will ever meet, I can guarantee you that the people on this site are the kindest and most caring I have ever encountered.”
The Raving Atheist | 05.27.04
On a different site, several commenters and I objected to harsh language a pro-life blogger used which could send anyone seeking healing from their abortions back into fearful secrecy. S/he condemned me as dehumanizing, forgetting the unborn children, but a pro-choice commenter recognized my name and wrote:
“Annie Banno, I remember you from some time ago, another venue. Someone was unkind to me, and made a derogatory comment mocking me, when I shared my own reasons for having an abortion. I expected that to be that, because in a lot of these [pro-life] discussions the vibe is basically you either adamantly regret your abortion or you lose any right to be treated with respect. But you and Emily stood up for me, for the fact that I deserved to be treated with respect, or at least that I would be treated with respect as long as you were around. We disagreed on many things but when someone insulted me, your attitude was unequivocally that I deserved better. That has always stayed with me and I have never forgotten it. I'm glad I stumbled onto this discussion, because I am so happy to have a chance to tell you how important that one act of kindness was to me. I hope you're well.
Posted by: Alexandra | 2009
That community had to break up, when I had to stop blogging. I still must work a real, blue-collar job for a living.
How I’d love to be able to open this all up, invite back that old community and offer it as well to all newcomers: full-time.
But do I have time to set comments open even to subscribers only, or just to write, keeping comments off? The more you feel moved to support my work as a paid subscriber, the more I’ll be able to not just post resources and experiences, but really recreate and foster this community, for you who are like me. And you who are not.
When I had my abortion, there were no resources. No WorldWideWeb, not for another decade. No cellphones, never mind smart ones. PCs? The first one introduced a year after my abortion, cost $6,000 and had 64K memory (yes, K), 500K mass storage. You went to the library, for books, for all information.
No groups were outside the abortion clinic offering me help, or money, or a place to live, medical help to avoid the abortion, help getting a job or finishing school. Like they’ve been doing this past 20 years.
No post-abortion recovery groups existed to help with the regret that I could only stuff down inside. But they’ve been doing great work for 20 to 30 years.
All these resources, groups, information, community, just weren’t there, for millions.
And you know what? God, I believe, let it happen to me just that way, because this, After Abortion, and all the other activities, mentions, quotes etc.: all that is what He had in mind for me to make known for others.
We never made a dime from the old blog, no ads, nothing. And I’m glad I skipped social media; from all I’ve read, folks feel algorithmed-to-death, scrolled-past, forced to “content-gurgitate” to stay “relevant.” Hamster-Wheel City. Thus losing the community they’d felt it was in the first place.
Substack is the only place you’ll find me. Never had any social media; never missed the “sturm and drang.” If any claim to be me or Aa, well, they’re all fake. Let’s see if/how this community regenerates without it. (No offense, @ElonMusk). Facebook in 2007 was for high school kids. My high school kid.
A Substack, though there’s no startup fee, to do it right for me, costs up to $1,000, for business-phone, -address, -structure, -bank, state fees.
A $6 a month subscription (the cost of a pint a month at your favorite pub!), after fees, government/sales taxes, is about $2.77 take-home pay. A $60 a year annual subscription nets about $28.24.
It’s fair, for recreating, helping our community so I’m not complaining (except about the 35% chunk our Gubmints take). I hope to devote full-time as you (or maybe someone you know and love) deserve but, well, you can do this math yourself!
If you can support with a paid subscription, even now while all is free, thank you. You are very much appreciated.
If you can only support with an unpaid subscription, thank you. You’re also very much appreciated, and none the lesser. Your email address will never be used for anything else. And BTW, you can choose “Anonymous” or another name besides your real one as your “handle.”
Reader referrals are very welcome; see the Leaderboard for referral earnings of free months subscriptions. And if you’re a pay-it-forward kind of person, you can give a gift subscription to someone you love, too.
The most important thing is, God willing, this work can again flourish and help many (more) feel the hope in their lives, once again.
Sooo, what do you get?
FREE SUBSCRIBERS: I’ll first post some classics, all free for a t.b.d. time, 1 or 2 a week, to give the flavor, the resources (at least a partial list to start), personal experiences, of the great space we had-- and will have-- together…
…and to show you that, damn, that old lady can write! Please feel free to share them:
Please be patient as I learn Substack’s ins, outs, offs and ons, fixing any logistics. How-to/Tech Support: click here. Manage your subscription/fix an email delivery issue: click here. Need more support? Contact Substack here.
Comments must remain open to only paid subscribers for now. (Day-job, sorry.) If I can open them to all during the Free Classics phase, I will, if your support allows me to be more present there. Making this a community without a lot of dreck to wade through is of utmost importance.
After the Free Classics launch phase:
1. one weekly Free column will continue.
2. comments may become for Paid Subscribers only, at any time. This is to make a dreck-less community more than anything else.
3. Free Classics will stay always free and tabbed on the Homepage.
PAID SUBSCRIBERS:
After the Free Classics launch phase:
1. One to two weekly Paid columns on resources and analyses like “In American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM III-R), abortion was once listed--for seven years--as a life event which can cause Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),” and “Eugenics, Genocide and/or the Abortion Industry”, and “DEEP SIXED? The 2000 China Abortion/ Breast Cancer Study That NCI Funded But Really Seems To Not Want Anyone To Know About.”
2. Full, searchable access to After Abortion archives.
3. A book, being Substack-published a chapter at a time, will be under its own newsletter name and not until 2025, unless…but I’ll then offer paid subscribers complimentary subscriptions to the first few chapters.
4. No Notes, Chat, Threads, just yet. Again, day-job…when I get there, they’ll be for paid subscribers only.
5. …but in the future, I’d love to give trusted founding members and paid subscribers the ok to start top-level chats: “Thus should one regard us: …as [good] stewards…Now it is of course required of stewards that they be found trustworthy.”
6. …and if you all find value enough to support this endeavor, I can throw all I am into this and never be forced to let this community disband, ever again.
FOUNDING MEMBERS: This allows readers who feel called and have the means to subscribe more as an extra show of support, similar to a donation. FM’s receive all the Paid Subscribers benefits, plus complimentary hardcopies of my future book, exclusive posts, maybe some on political aspects that are not our focus here. More chat about that, much later.
Thanks so much for joining, and welcome. I am glad you’re here.
Please: read our comment rules, here. It is important, for your neighbor at least.
Annie Banno was a regular writer at After Abortion blog in the Noughties. Published in Celebrate Life magazine and on CatholicExchange.com. Quoted or mentioned by National Review’s Ramesh Ponnuru in his book “The Party of Death”, by Kathryn Jean Lopez on NRO’s The Corner, Amy Welborn at BeliefNet, Eric Scheske in National Catholic Register, The Associated Press, First Things, The New York Daily News, Catholic News Service, The Straight Dope. With readers’ help, one column forced Boston Globe nationally syndicated columnist Ellen Goodman to print a retraction of an abortion "urban legend" which was also trotted out by then California Senator Barbara Boxer. Speaker at state Right-To-Life Convention, Yale University press conferences for Silent No More Awareness, and on radio and TV interviews.
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Sinner. Renewed Catholic. Post-abortive. Writer. Blue-collar peon. Patriot. All social media claiming to be me is FAKE. One column forced Boston Globe’s Ellen Goodman to retract an abortion "urban legend." AP, New York Daily News, NR, more.