I had been on annual women's retreats for a decade, but this was light-years different. So worth it, despite the fact that I cried so much. A needed, cathartic, very much appreciated experience. To be allowed to grieve, to show how sorry I was, to show how much I loved my child after not having acknowledged her all those 23 years. I am truly blessed. To finally realize God has given me two wonderful children, both of whom have been given the gift of forgiveness for their Mom, was just so overwhelming.
I came home from my Rachel’s Vineyard retreat a different person: I am the mother of 2 wonderful children, one here, one in heaven. And I have been so, for 46 years, but as of that retreat in 2002, now I knew it and I didn’t have to be ashamed of it.
All of the scripture passages, rituals, prayers and songs were so perfect for what I needed to think, feel, say and do. I especially found great solace, sadness and yet joy in a visualization exercise of our children with Jesus in a wildflower meadow, and Him holding ours out to us to hold. It was very real to me. The naming song and ceremony was also something I had to go through. The “neither do I condemn you” scripture and meditation was just what we all needed to hear.
There were a husband and wife there, too, fellow retreatants. He said he was just there to support his wife in her grief and healing. It was amazing. He was truly a Godsend, not just for his wife, but for all of us. It was so heartening and comforting to see him freely express his love, compassion and vulnerability for his wife’s sake, to admit his own sometime arrogance, and ultimately to realize he was there for his own healing too.
The week following the retreat, I gave myself permission to be mournful and not so productive. Not to push myself. It is hard. There was so much to deal with. 23 years of grief is a lot. It's hard to “go it alone,” esprcially when I look at that husband who was there to support his wife’s healing. But then again, there were a few women whose current husbands refused to acknowledge their pain or were otherwise disconnected and distant to it all. I've had that! And that is worse than going it alone.
I’m pretty sure there are similarities and differences among all Rachel’s Vineyard retreats worldwide, so sharing some of the prayers, scripture passages and other inspiring words from my retreat won’t ruin it or make it not worth your going on one. And I promised I’d also share the letter I wrote to my unborn daughter.
But first a small excerpt from the meditation we heard before we were invited to give our unborn children a name. You can find the whole document on Rachel’s Vineyard’s website:
In this post, I spoke of how my son was there as I read my letter to my daughter out loud at my retreat, how he comforted me and even wept himself. God was with me, with him, with all of us, in that room, carrying us through. It was unbelievably powerful, to know —to just know— He forgave us, He welcomed us back into His open arms. He truly is “the Father of Mercies"" as Saint Pope John Paul II told us in Evangelium Vitae, paragraph 99.
So here is my Letter To My Unborn Daughter. In future posts, I’ll share more of the helpful, inspiring words from this retreat, and more letters to our unborn children.
September 14, 2002
My dearest (OTHER!) child, Erin Madeline,
I love you, and I miss you, and although it has taken me 23 long years, I’m finally saying these words to you. I am sorry it has taken me this long; sorry for everything. I wish to heaven and God above I had done so differently, now.
I realize now that you have long known your Grandma and your Uncle Danny. And that you have been like an extra guardian angel to your little brother -- now BIG little brother-- who thought of giving you your name before I even thought of it. Erin is a favorite friend of his, and your first name was your brother’s idea. Madeline, as you already know, is your Grandma’s name!
Your brother misses you too. He was the one to really lift me out of my shame and sadness by marveling that he now knows he has a big sister in heaven, and by hugging me, consoling me and telling me, “It’s ok, Mom, to cry. Just let it out.” Just like I did for him when he was little, and just like I would have done for you.
Please forgive me, and your Dad, even though I think now that you already do. And I think now that you are and have always been happy, there with Jesus. I think that’s what Christ was trying to tell me when I bought the little laminated card once, with the painting of Jesus holding the smiling, little blond toddler, with the same Pixie haircut I had as a child. He was trying to tell me, that He was holding you, smiling that way at you.
Prayer Card of Nuñez Segura Painting
This doesn’t make my grievous sin against you and against God right or good, but I believe you are in a much better place, and you have always been. But I miss you terribly all the same. I think your brother does too. And maybe your Dad does too, when he thinks about you.
I feel like I have been given those few moments this weekend, by our Lord, to hold you and squeeze you so tight. To try to show you how much I love you all these 23 years that I never realized, is not possible to squeeze into that few minutes. So Jesus will have to keep on holding you in His arms until I can, when we meet again.
I love you, my other precious child, and when we do see each other again, I will never let you go again.
Please give your Grandma and your Uncle Danny a big hug and a kiss for me and your brother, and thank you, for being my daughter, for loving and forgiving me.
All my love,
Mom xxxooo
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